Today extra help I went to writing to visit Ms. Swift for revise my essay about comparing Lorenzo and Will. I had a good time in the writing center, it is the second I go there, I love the atmosphere there, there are sofa for students to sit on. So I wasn't bored when I was waiting in the writing center. I love there, I love the atmosphere in there, I feel comfortable to stay there.
After Ms. Swift look over my essay, she gave me two major advices. The first one is do not repeat the things that had already talked about in the front part. Second is when I am tell what is happening in the story, I do not need to use past tense, I need to use present tense, expect I am comparing two things that are happened before and after in the story, then I need to use past tense to describe the older things in the story. For the first advice, I think it really helps me to improve my essay, because sometimes when you talking one thing many times in the essay, it would make the reader confuse of it. It doesn't help you to explain a thing, it make the thing to be complicated, and dull. For example, I mention Lorenzo is a smart kid so many times in my essay, this makes my essay seems only had one point and dull, so I don't need to mention Lorenzo is a smart kid after I point this out at the first time. For the second advice, she said I need to change my tense. This is the thing I never noticed before, this make me better describe the story in essay. So I think it is a very useful advice.
Beside those two advices she gave me, we still find some small error in my essay. The first one is I didn't use most suitable word to describe one things, for example, I said "Many people who show like unsocial", in here act is a better word instead of using show. Second, for quote, Ms.Swift told me that if I already mentioned the author name before, then I don't need to mention it again, I just need to write the page number. Third, still about quotes, sometime I didn't need to quote the whole sentence for the books or films, I should make the quote connect with my essay, so long is not the best, suitable is the best. For example, I use a quote to describe Olivia, but I copy the whole thing from the book as "She'd lost a lot of weight and her square cheekbones stuck out........She wasn't as beautiful as she had been two years ago". For this quote, the front part is not relate to my essay, so I can actual cut that part, and only use the last part, this make the quote connect with my essay more. Forth, I couldn't make one sentence to be too long, I should cut some long sentences in to two or more short sentences, this help readers to read. The last error is I need to use some conjunctions to connect my sentence, this make my essay fluently. Those are small errors, but correct those errors will make essay become much better.
My writing center trip help me a lot on my essay. It worth a lot for me, I really helps me to improve essay, I believe my essay will improve a lot after this revise.
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